Nov. 19th, 2012 11:24 am
switchkitty78: (collar)
[personal profile] switchkitty78
So Kittyboy and I have PAXEast passes. Problem is that we don't have hotel accomodations lined up yet and all the stuff near the con hall is a) $$$ b) probably booked up already by now. More importantly, due to various states of unemployment and financial strappage, it looks like none of the usual suspects are going this time around, which sucks but is understandable. Not like there won't be one the year after that. So he and I have been discussing selling our passes and using the money for something else. And the following fell out of his mouth last night:

"Maybe we could go to Providence for that spanky kink con you're always talking about?"

*blink* What?

Don't get me wrong, holy shit yes, I'd go to the Flea in a heartbeat. Bonus going with my husband! But... I don't know, I have concerns. Other than briefly flirting with kink in the beginning of the relationship and some occasional "I'm gonna tie you up and HURT you." "Okay fine, bring it" play, it's been a reasonably vanilla relationship. And he's got Opinions on kink, specifically on the sort that extends outside of bedroom and sexytimes.

Regardless of all that, the main problem is me. I tend to be the sort that will happily venture along on other peoples adventures into various interests, finding things that interest me along the way at best, finding ways to self-entertain at worst. But when it comes to my own stuff, I'm VERY uncomfortable inviting anyone to go/participate with me, especially if it's an out-there sort of interest (kink counts, but so could experimental French cinema) or a narrowly focused one (beadwork). Half of me goes into defensive mode ("It's not FOR you!") in case the other person doesn't like, is bored by or is derisive of it. The other half gets so wrapped up in whether the other person is enjoying themselves that I fail to enjoy myself, thus nullifying the entire point of the exercise. Which is why I end up doing a lot of things on my own and more or less successfully convincing myself that I really prefer it that way, or just... not doing things period, because lets be fair, company is usually advantageous in these sorts of endeavors.

He did offer, though. That's something. 'Course... I don't know. I hate being humored. Or rather I don't hate it per se, but I hate being constantly aware that someone's coming along for the ride not because of any personal interest of theirs, but because it's important to me. Even though that's something I do all the damn time.

So yeah argh. It's early yet, and it's only been floated as a possibility - FFF is it's own kind of pricey and I told myself after the last one that I wasn't gonna go unless I had at least a few spare C notes to spend (doubtful that I will by February). And I know I'm overthinking it a LOT and I should just go and have a good time and not worry so much about my proposed company. Still the weird level of angst is there and I had to pour it out somewhere.

Date: 2012-11-19 11:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] avalon616.livejournal.com
We had a conversation about it on the ride home. ^.^

Date: 2012-11-20 05:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] avalon616.livejournal.com
I explained that it's a convention, with all the standard tropes of unattractive people being way too into things you don't understand, and hot girls in latex. Understanding seemed to happen.

Date: 2012-11-20 10:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] poiyt.livejournal.com
I totaly get the being humoured thing. Im much more into kink than andrea is. I like pain, like choking (not hardcore - just controlled yk) but she isnt as into that sort of dominance role, so I often feel like she is humouring me by going along with it some times. But yes - you should just go and have a good time. ;)

Date: 2012-12-10 06:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kinkypriest.livejournal.com
I wind up with that sort of dilemma a lot, although in my case, I usually WANT people to go with me to kink events, but then spend most of the time worrying about whether they're having a good time, or missing out on what I want to do because I'm focusing on trying to find things they want to do, that I wind up wishing I went alone.

Still - he offered, and it could be fun. You have chances to do things on your own, but this time you have what sounds like a rare offer, so if you can afford it, I'd advice taking the chance and trying your best to remind yourself that it was his idea to go, and you don't have to sacrifice your enjoyment for his -- and, likely, if you're having a good time, he will, too. =)


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