Panther Dreaming

So Kittyboy and I have PAXEast passes. Problem is that we don't have hotel accomodations lined up yet and all the stuff near the con hall is a) $$$ b) probably booked up already by now. More importantly, due to various states of unemployment and financial strappage, it looks like none of the usual suspects are going this time around, which sucks but is understandable. Not like there won't be one the year after that. So he and I have been discussing selling our passes and using the money for something else. And the following fell out of his mouth last night:

"Maybe we could go to Providence for that spanky kink con you're always talking about?"

*blink* What?

Don't get me wrong, holy shit yes, I'd go to the Flea in a heartbeat. Bonus going with my husband! But... I don't know, I have concerns. Other than briefly flirting with kink in the beginning of the relationship and some occasional "I'm gonna tie you up and HURT you." "Okay fine, bring it" play, it's been a reasonably vanilla relationship. And he's got Opinions on kink, specifically on the sort that extends outside of bedroom and sexytimes.

Regardless of all that, the main problem is me. I tend to be the sort that will happily venture along on other peoples adventures into various interests, finding things that interest me along the way at best, finding ways to self-entertain at worst. But when it comes to my own stuff, I'm VERY uncomfortable inviting anyone to go/participate with me, especially if it's an out-there sort of interest (kink counts, but so could experimental French cinema) or a narrowly focused one (beadwork). Half of me goes into defensive mode ("It's not FOR you!") in case the other person doesn't like, is bored by or is derisive of it. The other half gets so wrapped up in whether the other person is enjoying themselves that I fail to enjoy myself, thus nullifying the entire point of the exercise. Which is why I end up doing a lot of things on my own and more or less successfully convincing myself that I really prefer it that way, or just... not doing things period, because lets be fair, company is usually advantageous in these sorts of endeavors.

He did offer, though. That's something. 'Course... I don't know. I hate being humored. Or rather I don't hate it per se, but I hate being constantly aware that someone's coming along for the ride not because of any personal interest of theirs, but because it's important to me. Even though that's something I do all the damn time.

So yeah argh. It's early yet, and it's only been floated as a possibility - FFF is it's own kind of pricey and I told myself after the last one that I wasn't gonna go unless I had at least a few spare C notes to spend (doubtful that I will by February). And I know I'm overthinking it a LOT and I should just go and have a good time and not worry so much about my proposed company. Still the weird level of angst is there and I had to pour it out somewhere.

First of May, aka May Day, aka Beltane, aka Outdoor Fuckin' Starts Today, is on Saturday.

Let me reiterate. The one calendar day of the year which is defined by quite a few traditions as devoted to the grown-up shenanigans falls on a weekend.

I'm not sure whether it will be me or Kittyboy, but damn it one of us is getting tied down and tormented on Saturday, and quite frankly he's the one with the 30 point tab racked up on his Litany of Misdeeds. *big old evil grin*

Anyone else got plans for what might as well be called Yar Yar Hump Hump Day?

Still waffling on whether to actually go to the damn flea or not. Money may make it a moot point, since I really need to take my car in, and regardless should do that before thinking about driving all the damn way to Providence and back. But also I'm sensing a closing up and shutting down on the kink end of my sexuality right now, which is frustrating because I'm just now sticking my foot back into The Scene as a more or less independent agent and do want to continue doing that... so I'm super annoyed at myself, but experience dictates not much to do for it than either sit and wait for my libido to come out of contraction phase and figure out what triggered it. Honestly it's not just kink, I definitely seem to be in curl up and run away mode sexually, so something's definitely going on.

Feh.

After watching this video yesterday, I think I need to take stock of my cute underwear and think about some cheesecake shots of myself, either taking them myself or recruiting someone to take them for me. Might also help with the aforementioned issues, as I've been feeling significantly less than cute lately, let alone sexy. :P

Kinda want to go the WMPE munch tomorrow evening at Packards. Kinda don't. Mostly want to go because it's convenient, but of course the supershys are hitting something fierce, and I'm all "but I won't know anyone there waaaaaa schmoo"

I know the only real solution here is to grow a set and go. Even if I don't there's a WMPETNG munch at Bertucci's next month that I'm actually looking forward to a bit more. Still, handwring, handwring.

*sigh* It also looks pretty much like I'll be soloing this year's trip to the Flea, if indeed I decide to go at all. I'm hurting a little bit over this, as I know my former Sir and the pack of kittens I once belonged to will be there "working" and celebrating their one year anniversary of their/our collaring. *sigh* I don't regret leaving that particular relationship group... it presented too many problems for me to deal with personally to continue with it, but considering last year I lost my memberships to two "family" groups, one voluntarily, one not... yeah. Especially since I still miss imoto-chan and sometimes even Sir. On the flip side, my Lady will also be with them, and I look forward to seeing her. It also looks like I will indeed have some money to toy-shop... and since I am in the market specifically for a good leather flogger (and possibly a blindfold that won't make either me or Kittyboy all allergic), that at least will be a good thing.

What a difference a year makes... I look back at where I was then and where I am now. So much has changed... so much has stayed the same. Where will I be a year from now?